Mantra 3

You are limitless…

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Quicksand 

What hurts me these days is not only the post break up pain.. This gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach reminding me of how messed up things became and how I let myself do what I did, how it led to so much pain, and how I still care about you. It makes me cry on night drives, and random moments during the most mundane tasks. But that’s not only it. 
What hurts me more these days are my incompetences, my weaknesses, my self doubt. What you constantly reminded me is getting to me on a deep level. I’m trying to grow past it but they always pop up when I least expect them. I say to myself cutting words, crippling thoughts of fear and self loathing, setting myself in the deep muck of self sustained quicksand. I am set to drown in it. 
I look in the mirror and finally accepts parts of myself, but soon the imperfections are more noticeable.. The blemishes glare at me, teasing me, stomping on my psyche. Unattractive, undesirable, lucky to paid attention to — these words echo in my mind sending me to darkness. Who would want that? Who would dare want someone like me?
Career? No. 

School? No. 

Money? No. 

Friends? Not anywhere near me. 
Worthless? Yes. 

Responsible for your pain?Absolutely. Lost? Beyond belief.
Or at least that’s what I’ve made to feel. 
And I’m finally moving, attempting to break these chains and shackles you told me to put on myself. I’m tired of dragging them around. I’m tired of feeling this way. There’s no way out except keeping on moving forward. 

The Book

I started re-reading Eat, Pray, Love.

As I saw the book cover on the grey and black screen of my Kindle, I knew I had to read it again. Feel free to make fun of me following the footsteps of a thirty-six year old, post-divorce woman, but that book is a sort of a spiritual guide for me. Scratch that.. it’s a guide to self.

I first read the book in the summer of 2010 –my summer of change (I just threw up a little bit in my mouth typing that). I bought it originally for my mom on Mother’s Day, and she put it aside until she was in the mood for reading.. she always does that. So a couple of months later, in the middle of summer, I needed something to read and the book lay there basking in the glow of afternoon sun in mid-July. I stared at it and it taunted me back.. “this is totally a ‘women’s book”‘. but you know you wanna read.”

When I first picked it up, impeccably new yet covered with a fuzzy layer of dust, I had no idea that this book would actually change many things about me. Prior to that summer and the couple of years that ensued, I was an entirely different person. I was bitter, cynical, and very much disconnected from myself.. and it drove happiness away from me.

I don’t know how to explain the process of change –it was partly instantaneous and partly long. But at the core of it was figuring out who you are; find yourself and find happiness. And for a long time I did. I did things that made me happy and made me feel so in-tuned with myself –mind, body, and soul. There is just no other way to describe it. It’s when everything aligns and everything fits. It’s a hard balance to keep, but it’s not impossible.

The book was brought to me yet again in a time of need, or at least that’s the way I see it. I have been feeling less myself lately, and it has to do with many aspects of my life –job, living situation, mental state, fitness. And my question is if it’s all because of my relationship. I am fully aware that I am the type of person who gives his all in relationships.. I’ve done it once before and it didn’t work. I give so much of myself to make the other person happy, but that’s not what I get in return. I told myself that it would be different this time, but now I find that it wasn’t. At this moment, many parts of my life are not originally mine.. which leads me to another set of questions: am I living in somebody else’s life? And I wonder if I can find that balance again, the balance that the book helped me seek and achieve. Can I find it while I am with another person? Or do I need to find it individually? Whatever the case may be, I need to love myself first, and put my own happiness at a priority –maybe then I’ll figure it out.

New Year

Something has changed in the past few days. Or at least it seems so.

Thursday was the first day of the Jewish new year. Before the change in calendar year, I knew I wanted to write something meaningful and reflective –after all, that’s the customary thing to do in those kinds of turning points in our lives, no? However, nothing came to me except that I wished that things will finally go in the right direction, turn for the better, or just ask for some ease in my constantly anxious and analytic mind. For some reason it felt wrong to just ask and hope.. My ideas didn’t flow or click (hmm.. that’s an interesting phrase there).

So I gave up. I just let things be without analyzing them. And I think that it’s the lesson I had to learn or at least internalize as the new year started: think less, do more, and enjoy the ride. I feel that I have written about that so many times, but I never learned the lesson. I am choosing to make this my new year resolution.

Since the beginning of the new year, things have been feeling good, better, not as bothersome. There could be a million reasons for this, but I find myself finally taking joy again in little things like I used to before. I feel like a complete fool when these moments happen, but I cannot help but literally smile and chuckle. At the beach, driving on the Pacific Coast Highway, eating fish tacos, having a good day at work, driving to work with palm trees towering over me from two sides of the road, talking on the phone with people I love.

I am thankful. I am content. I am lucky to be living my life.

Happy New Year

Gratitude

After my one year update to my BCI family, I was suggested to begin a daily practice of gratitude. In accordance with the laws of Karma, giving gratitude to the world will release some much needed positive energy into the universe. And hopefully, in turn will bring some positivity into one’s life. When I was told that, I remembered watching a video about happiness and gratitude. Apparently, when people expressed their gratitude, gave thanks, and became more aware of how grateful they are (it was for specific people in their lives), they were generally happier people. And therefore, I am giving myself a 30-day gratitude challenge. I will open a new page on the blog and will write a short post about something that I am thankful for. However, the challenge doesn’t end there. I will keep that in mind, until the following post.

Here’s to bringing some much needed thankfulness and positivity into my life.

Ocean

During my first year of college I went through some form of a crisis.. Nothing unusual for me, though. During that semester I worked a lot with my English professor. She just got me, and we communicated on the same wavelength.

I had a long conversation with her about all of the millions of things that were on my mind and causing me anxiety. I tend to not let things out or work through my emotions. It’s a really terrible thing, actually. You keep all these nasty feelings deep deep in you and they rot and fester. The pain is no longer on the surface, but instead it eats up your insides.
This conversation happened before even knew that about myself. But she recognized it in me; very type-A of me. So she suggested the following: go to the water. I looked at her somewhat baffled, confused. She meant actual water: river, stream, creek– any body of water. I thought she was crazy, but I gave it a shot. I had nothing to lose.
When I got to the Great Falls of the Potomac River, I just stood in front of the little waterfalls and submerged myself in their sound. I tried not to think too much, but let go. I’ve always had issues with letting go.. But I found that the water helps.
So I’m back at that moment in time where I needed a break from my mind and my heart. Just a bit of a reset. I took the 101 to the 405 to the 10 to the PCH, and here I am in Malibu. It’s dark but you can still see the waves washing on the beach. They seem strong and violent. The cool wind feels awfully unfamiliar on my skin since its been so unrelentingly hot recently.
And I’m here putting my thoughts, emotions, feelings, worries out for the ocean to take. I’m taking a deep breath of salty air and hoping that everything will be ok.

Dream

I had a dream last night that I remember just vaguely –as it usually happens with my dreams. I tend to remember foggy plot lines, details, people. It often comes to me throughout the day, and I realized what happened in the dream, putting bits and pieces together. And I always feel that they’re pertinent to my life, and what’s happening to me at the moment. This is one of those instances where I am completely detached from my fact-based, (too) grounded, somewhat-cynical state of being. I allow myself to believe in something that is completely and utterly illogical, un-provable. But that’s besides the point.

It doesn’t rain in Southern California –only a handful of times a year. And since I’ve been here, it rained for a minute when I drove to the desert (weird, very weird). LA is known to have great weather: warm, sunny, with low humidity, and gets significantly cooler at night. I love it. It’s a nice, welcome change from the hot and humid nature of the East Coast.

So in the dream, I was at some familiar place. I can’t entirely recall where I was, but I knew that I knew that place.. maybe it was my old house in Israel. But everything was covered with dust, lots and lots of dust that settled thickly on the red roof, and some trees and plants in the yard. Suddenly the dust started getting dark and seemed to melt at drops of water hit every surface and washed the thick layer away. I thought it was rain, yet after a while I realized that I was holding a hose, and with a steady stream was washing everything and watering the vegetation.

When I woke up, I knew it was a good dream. From the minimal dream interpretation I have read about before, I know that water can be a sign with extremely good connotation, the washing of dust may signify a renewal of some sort, and the green trees and house? I choose to intemperate that as finally finding a place and a job.

It made me a bit more hopeful, a bit less worried about things not working out: a much needed rain in the desert.