The Book

I started re-reading Eat, Pray, Love.

As I saw the book cover on the grey and black screen of my Kindle, I knew I had to read it again. Feel free to make fun of me following the footsteps of a thirty-six year old, post-divorce woman, but that book is a sort of a spiritual guide for me. Scratch that.. it’s a guide to self.

I first read the book in the summer of 2010 –my summer of change (I just threw up a little bit in my mouth typing that). I bought it originally for my mom on Mother’s Day, and she put it aside until she was in the mood for reading.. she always does that. So a couple of months later, in the middle of summer, I needed something to read and the book lay there basking in the glow of afternoon sun in mid-July. I stared at it and it taunted me back.. “this is totally a ‘women’s book”‘. but you know you wanna read.”

When I first picked it up, impeccably new yet covered with a fuzzy layer of dust, I had no idea that this book would actually change many things about me. Prior to that summer and the couple of years that ensued, I was an entirely different person. I was bitter, cynical, and very much disconnected from myself.. and it drove happiness away from me.

I don’t know how to explain the process of change –it was partly instantaneous and partly long. But at the core of it was figuring out who you are; find yourself and find happiness. And for a long time I did. I did things that made me happy and made me feel so in-tuned with myself –mind, body, and soul. There is just no other way to describe it. It’s when everything aligns and everything fits. It’s a hard balance to keep, but it’s not impossible.

The book was brought to me yet again in a time of need, or at least that’s the way I see it. I have been feeling less myself lately, and it has to do with many aspects of my life –job, living situation, mental state, fitness. And my question is if it’s all because of my relationship. I am fully aware that I am the type of person who gives his all in relationships.. I’ve done it once before and it didn’t work. I give so much of myself to make the other person happy, but that’s not what I get in return. I told myself that it would be different this time, but now I find that it wasn’t. At this moment, many parts of my life are not originally mine.. which leads me to another set of questions: am I living in somebody else’s life? And I wonder if I can find that balance again, the balance that the book helped me seek and achieve. Can I find it while I am with another person? Or do I need to find it individually? Whatever the case may be, I need to love myself first, and put my own happiness at a priority –maybe then I’ll figure it out.

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Quick Thought, #7

What I crave the most these days is driving fast.. No lights, no stop signs, no pedestrians.

With the wind blowing across my face, my hair wild, and fresh air filling lungs.

Those drives where that just keep going for a while, and a  song comes on that is so perfect for the moment –it strikes a chord so deep in you and you feel like yourself in this one moment in time.

Unequivocally, unapologetically, undeniably you.

Patience

The say that patience is virtue.. well, it’s a virtue that I have yet to learn. I am a very impatient person.. rather, restless person. I like getting things done quickly, my way, and really not leave much for other or time to do their job. It’s partially because I really have trust issues with people keeping their end of the bargain, and the fact that I just simply don’t like waiting. Waiting to me feels like wasting time.

I have always known that about myself, but it really hit me when I moved to LA. LA traffic is a constant mess. It doesn’t matter what time it is, where you are, or where you’re headed, you’re likely to hit traffic. And so you sit there, frustrated, angry, trying to weave in and out of traffic just to shave off minutes out of that time that you’re expected to sit on the freeway. But It doesn’t help. And so, I’ve realized that maybe it’s trying to tell me something.

Well, I have come to a point, a zen moment really, where I have to learn patience. I believe that I am facing a sort of karmic challenge. Let’s put it this way: a teacher gives his young student a task: take this seed and make it grow. Now here’s the deal, the boy has to put the initial effort of planting the seed in the right place and water it continuously, but besides that there’s little the boy can do but wait. Staring at the ground where the seed is planted isn’t going to make it grow faster. Being frustrated, angry, resentful, and what not isn’t going to help it either.

So here’s what I’m trying to learn: how to make the seed grow without obsessing over it. The seed will poke its head out of the ground, shoot out leaves, and eventually flower, all in just the right time. You just have to let the universe work it’s magic.

It’s all easier said than done, but I am really having a tremendous problem with putting this into practice. I don’t know how to turn off my mind when I need to. I usually write about how I’m choosing to deal with things, or how I’ve come to a conclusion, but at this point, I’m lost.

I’m just going to try taking this one day at time. Cause that’s all I can do.