What hurts me these days is not only the post break up pain.. This gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach reminding me of how messed up things became and how I let myself do what I did, how it led to so much pain, and how I still care about you. It makes me cry on night drives, and random moments during the most mundane tasks. But that’s not only it.
What hurts me more these days are my incompetences, my weaknesses, my self doubt. What you constantly reminded me is getting to me on a deep level. I’m trying to grow past it but they always pop up when I least expect them. I say to myself cutting words, crippling thoughts of fear and self loathing, setting myself in the deep muck of self sustained quicksand. I am set to drown in it.
I look in the mirror and finally accepts parts of myself, but soon the imperfections are more noticeable.. The blemishes glare at me, teasing me, stomping on my psyche. Unattractive, undesirable, lucky to paid attention to — these words echo in my mind sending me to darkness. Who would want that? Who would dare want someone like me?
Friends? Not anywhere near me.
Responsible for your pain?Absolutely. Lost? Beyond belief.
Or at least that’s what I’ve made to feel.
And I’m finally moving, attempting to break these chains and shackles you told me to put on myself. I’m tired of dragging them around. I’m tired of feeling this way. There’s no way out except keeping on moving forward.
“You haven’t been happy since December”
Since those words left my best friend’s mouth, I couldn’t help but think about them repeatedly. It seems that all that I’ve been trying to do is go back to moments where I found happiness. I tried to bring back those feelings by being around the people I used to be around, by bringing the pants into my life, by going back to North Carolina, by talking with my parents like I used to. But it just doesn’t seem to work. I can’t bring it back.
I have to put this disclaimer out: I am not talking about happiness in the bigger sense of the word where you are fully content with your life entirely –I don’t believe that exists.
I believe in moments of happiness. I used to know them and what makes me happy. I used to take immense pleasure in drinking coffee in my bed every morning before class… or blasting music while showering and ridiculously singing along to it. I found happiness in anticipation of my next step. I found happiness in planning what I want from my life and the vast potential of it. I found happiness in looking forward to the trips that I was going to take. I found happiness in finding the perfect song to the perfect moment to walk around campus. I know I’m melodramatic, but things don’t seem to have the same effect on me anymore. I’m preoccupied with negative thoughts and criticism of myself and others all the time.
I don’t know where it stems from either.. so it makes sense to me that I don’t know how to mend it. What happened in those past few months to break me so hard and mess me up like that? It scares me that I have become a shadow of who I used to be. It scares me that I don’t know where I want to take my life.
it scares me that I am in limbo.