What hurts me these days is not only the post break up pain.. This gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach reminding me of how messed up things became and how I let myself do what I did, how it led to so much pain, and how I still care about you. It makes me cry on night drives, and random moments during the most mundane tasks. But that’s not only it.
What hurts me more these days are my incompetences, my weaknesses, my self doubt. What you constantly reminded me is getting to me on a deep level. I’m trying to grow past it but they always pop up when I least expect them. I say to myself cutting words, crippling thoughts of fear and self loathing, setting myself in the deep muck of self sustained quicksand. I am set to drown in it.
I look in the mirror and finally accepts parts of myself, but soon the imperfections are more noticeable.. The blemishes glare at me, teasing me, stomping on my psyche. Unattractive, undesirable, lucky to paid attention to — these words echo in my mind sending me to darkness. Who would want that? Who would dare want someone like me?
Friends? Not anywhere near me.
Responsible for your pain?Absolutely. Lost? Beyond belief.
Or at least that’s what I’ve made to feel.
And I’m finally moving, attempting to break these chains and shackles you told me to put on myself. I’m tired of dragging them around. I’m tired of feeling this way. There’s no way out except keeping on moving forward.