PAIN

PAIN in all caps, because I need to feel it instead of avoiding it, instead of putting it away so it eats my up inside.

I have not let myself fully realize what I have gotten myself into. Everything is full of grayness, and my mind is so cloudy and numb that I can’t even begin to process what’s going on in there. Every thought is criticized, every step overly calculated to the point where I just can’t take it. I think that’s why I haven’t written anything in months.

Do you know what it’s like to question your every move, every thought, and every word?… not because you’re questioning it for yourself, but because someone else is.. constantly with their breath on your neck.

It makes me sick. It makes me sick that I can’t stop this vicious cycle.

I can’t sleep because.. because… I don’t even know how to finish that sentence.

I’ve never had such difficult time figuring out what I’m feeling, and what it’s making me do. I’m really trying to organize my thoughts but they tumble down like Jenga tower.

If I put it in writing, I have to face it –This relationship somewhat destroyed me. It slowly chipped away at my self confidence, diminished my self worth, faded my color. I now think a million times before I text you, before I answer your question. I lay low and stay uncontroversial because this way it’s safe. I never say no, I taylor my speech to your mood, and I never give out my opinion. Instead I try to predict what your opinion is.

This way, I won’t have to feel the brunt of your fury, your biting words. I won’t have to sit through your demeaning, endless lectures counting down the seconds until they end.. until I can try to go to sleep. This way, I won’t be shamed for my intelligence or my abilities. I won’t be reminded of my incompetencies.

And then you come to your senses and say you’re sorry for how it all came out. You say that you don’t mean to be mean, but it’s because you care so much, just because you… you love me..?

This word is tainted in your mouth and I have no clue what it means anymore in our context. It’s anything but the love that I know from other people.

It’s a fucking classic textbook example. And I fell for it.

I feel so stupid for letting this happen. So angry with myself for letting these moments slide– New York City, Raleigh, Delaware.. birthday, dinner, bar. I give out my forgiveness as if it was worthless.. as if it didn’t cost anything. “Here, on my dime, endless free passes.” But now I learned it cost my the hefty price of dignity.

I want to cry so badly but nothing comes out. Instead, after you’ve insulted me in front of my friend, I lie in bed and my body is so hot. My body is burning so that it feels like an intense fever, and I’m almost shaking. But there are never tears. The tears are the knots in my stomach, the empty expression of my face, the tennis ball in my throat. And they never leave. I never leave.

I’m trying so hard to make myself hate you, to not care about your feelings, or at least care about mine a little bit more. But it’s not working.

I’m trying my hardest. I will get there.

Leaving is hard, but the alternative is so much worse.

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