The other day, at a certain random moment, I took a deeper breath than usual. It felt different, it hurt a little bit in the middle and bottom of my torso, it was unfamiliar. It hit me that I haven’t been breathing.. well, at least haven’t been breathing deeply recentlly. Instead, it’s mostly been these rather quick breaths that you take and only make their way to the shallowest places of lungs and throats, giving you just enough oxygen — justenough. That deep breath was different. It was one of those deep breaths that you take when you are suddenly relieved, those cleansing breaths that reach down into your lungs and fill your body with fresh air, a deep breath that inflate your chest with positivity.

About a week and a half ago, looking for advice and guidance in my rather confused state of mind, I spoke to my cousin about life and my relationship. She’s all into new age medicine, and countless times, I’ve heard her say to  listen to your liver or pancreas. I don’t see harm in believing in that.. after all, you’re just listening to you body. How bad can that be? And so, I asked her about my throat that’s been bothering me. It was as if she quickly looked up throat issues in the index of her brain library, and came up with an answer. “Your throat hurts when you don’t say what you want or need to say,” she told me as if she was reading it from a manual of some sorts. “Rather, you keep it all down, and it’s your body telling you to just let it out; to just let it go”.

And I think I’ve started doing that –breathing and speaking. And in return, I woke up on Saturday with my throat in actual pain and my voice half gone. I think that now that I’m finally not holding it all in, the fresh air that I breath brings up the thoughts and negativity, that festered at the bottom of my lungs and at the back of my throat. And it hurts to process them all again.. more than the first time around when I shoved them down and locked them away. It hurts, but I know that if I just breathe deeply through then it will all be ok.