Happiness

“You haven’t been happy since December”

Since those words left my best friend’s mouth, I couldn’t help but think about them repeatedly. It seems that all that I’ve been trying to do is go back to moments where I found happiness. I tried to bring back those feelings by being around the people I used to be around, by bringing the pants into my life, by going back to North Carolina, by talking with my parents like I used to. But it just doesn’t seem to work. I can’t bring it back.

I have to put this disclaimer out: I am not talking about happiness in the bigger sense of the word where you are fully content with your life entirely –I don’t believe that exists.

I believe in moments of happiness. I used to know them and what makes me happy. I used to take immense pleasure in drinking coffee in my bed every morning before class… or blasting music while showering and ridiculously singing along to it. I found happiness in anticipation of my next step. I found happiness in planning what I want from my life and the vast potential of it. I found happiness in looking forward to the trips that I was going to take. I found happiness in finding the perfect song to the perfect moment to walk around campus. I know I’m melodramatic, but things don’t seem to have the same effect on me anymore. I’m preoccupied with negative thoughts and criticism of myself and others all the time.

I don’t know where it stems from either.. so it makes sense to me that I don’t know how to mend it. What happened in those past few months to break me so hard and mess me up like that? It scares me that I have become a shadow of who I used to be. It scares me that I don’t know where I want to take my life.

it scares me that I am in limbo.

 

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Done

I am done with you.

I am done thinking about you. Rewinding to these moments, these flashbacks in my mind. I am done wishing that things ended differently. I am done having hopes of having it back.

I am no longer idolizing you. I am no longer seeing as you as more than who you are. You are a coward. I was brave. You were dishonest. You made me feel feel ashamed of my honesty. You made me question my ever move, thought, word.. I am done giving you that power over me. I am letting you go. I am done hoping that you were still here.

I am done being in pain, hurt over you. You are not worth it. I am worth more than that.

Like a tashlich, I am here taking out all these negative emotions, my sins and leaving them here on this page. I am letting myself cry over you. Finally accept my feelings and not stuffing them down in the hopes that some day you’ll be here to hear them.

Letting it go.. letting it go..

Moving on.