“You haven’t been happy since December”
Since those words left my best friend’s mouth, I couldn’t help but think about them repeatedly. It seems that all that I’ve been trying to do is go back to moments where I found happiness. I tried to bring back those feelings by being around the people I used to be around, by bringing the pants into my life, by going back to North Carolina, by talking with my parents like I used to. But it just doesn’t seem to work. I can’t bring it back.
I have to put this disclaimer out: I am not talking about happiness in the bigger sense of the word where you are fully content with your life entirely –I don’t believe that exists.
I believe in moments of happiness. I used to know them and what makes me happy. I used to take immense pleasure in drinking coffee in my bed every morning before class… or blasting music while showering and ridiculously singing along to it. I found happiness in anticipation of my next step. I found happiness in planning what I want from my life and the vast potential of it. I found happiness in looking forward to the trips that I was going to take. I found happiness in finding the perfect song to the perfect moment to walk around campus. I know I’m melodramatic, but things don’t seem to have the same effect on me anymore. I’m preoccupied with negative thoughts and criticism of myself and others all the time.
I don’t know where it stems from either.. so it makes sense to me that I don’t know how to mend it. What happened in those past few months to break me so hard and mess me up like that? It scares me that I have become a shadow of who I used to be. It scares me that I don’t know where I want to take my life.
it scares me that I am in limbo.