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Great Expectations

Disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with Dickens. I should admit my ignorance: I’ve never read Dickens.

Over time, many people have told me I will do well in life, I’ll achieve some sort of success. Growing up, I was the golden child who was bound to do better, go beyond others –I was infused with exceptionalism from a very young age.

I’m entirely aware I sound like a narcissistic jerk… which is not far from what I am sometimes. Blame my parents.

That sort of attitude about my future has always pushed me to do well.. and education was the way.  I’ve become so competitive academically that in middle school that my friend and I always tried to get the highest grades in every class. It was always a tie. In high school and early in college, I had excellent grades, I got into one of the best universities and into one of the best science programs in the country. It all seemed like it was going the right way: a certain, planned path with concrete direction. My target was in sight.

But then things changed.. and recently, I’ve been having a lot of ambivalence as to where I am seeing myself in the future: both near and far. I have no idea what I want to do professionally. On the personal life front, my vision is set.. for the meantime.

So is this vision of success that other people see some sort of a journey we hear about in literary and fantasy? Is it a sequence of events that directs you in a certain way and then you just have to work your ass off to get there? Or is it a weird vision that pops in your head and that you choose to pursue even though doing is is against sense.. cause some ideas just don’t make sense.

So right now I’m sitting here, and I don’t know where to go. A part of me is waiting for that stroke of vision, that sign, that phone call that would change things for me and get me going somewhere.. and a part of me is just trying to do things, take myself to different places, and see where that leads me. At this point there is no way to know which way is right.

And with all that on my plate, I am worried that this success will never find me.. rather, that I will never reach it. Because what if it doesn’t? What if I don’t reach that pedestal that so many people see me climbing. I’m scared of letting everyone down.. I don’t want to let myself down.