Give Yourself Credit

We are our own biggest critics; with the way we act, the way we look, things we do, things we refrain from doing, they way we stack up compared to others. There is this this voice in your head –sometimes occasionally, sometimes continuously– inspring self-deprecation, criticism, and incompetence. “You need to get better grades,” “you need to lose weight,” “why aren’t you as smart as that guy?” “why didn’t you get a job like that girl?” “why can’t you figure out your life already?” “oh you’re trying something new? you’ll probably fail and hate yourself for it!”

I know I’ve been there.. still am there. I know my friends are there, too. Why do we do that? Perhaps it’s some psychological trait that I am not aware of.. a product of the culture we live in? It is so easy to criticize and beat ourselves  for things that we can’t change, or quickly dismiss our future. It is much harder to look back at your own life and give yourself credit for how far you’ve come and the progress you’ve made.

Don’t forget that you got into the school of your dreams, and that you’ve done all on your own. Don’t dimiss those A’s you got in your favorite classes because your first year destroyed your GPA. Don’t fret over the jobs that others have –you’re not them, and for all you know, they may make money, but hate their lives. Don’t deny yourself the pride for overcoming a rough emotional and mental period. Remember those bullies in middle school who made your life miserable; see how much stronger you are. Remember how you moved to a new place where you didn’t know a single soul, yet you still made friendships that will last your entire life. Don’t ever doubt that you’ve made an impact on the life of another person. See how others changed your life.

Look at yourself 3, 5, 7, 10 years ago. You’re not the same person, are you? You’ve changed, grew, transformed. I am not the timid, quite, self-hating person I was then. I know who I am today, even though there are still parts I need to figure out. I did many of the things I wanted to do.. sometimes with the help of others, sometimes by myself.

Give yourself some credit. You deserve it.

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Uncomfrotable

Today I am uncomfortable; not with a certain situation, but with myself. I feel awkward in my body. The outfit that I’ve worn countless times before doesn’t feel like it works, I feel awkward in it. My shoes, a half size too big, feel like I’m drowning in them. Usually, I walk down the street, blasting music, and in my head, I’m walking down the catwalk. Not today. Today is awkward, and clumsy, I just want to go back to bed.

Maybe it’s the weird weather. Morning started at 37 degrees, and by noon, it should go up to 73.. playful mother nature, I see what you did there. And so I put a jacket on, and walked to work. Parts of my body –hands buried in my pockets, face– grew cold in that mile or so of walking. Others were sweating from dealing with the endless hills of this town. Uncomfortable.

And then there’s the hair. Oh, the hair. Combed left, combed right, wet, dry, blow-dried, with product, without product. This morning was a hairy struggle. And I’m still not content (this is partly due to the fact that I desperately need a haircut). It just doesn’t look right. And the pathetic thing is that it doesn’t even matter. I will be in lab for entire day working with two other people who, I can unquestionably say, couldn’t care less about how I look.

I forgot to put deodorant on this morning (this has been happening way too much recently), and there’s an annoying hair between my eyebrows that I failed to pluck before leaving.

Perhaps it’s the list of things I need to do. I’m a lister.. I keep making lists in my head –lists of things I need to do, need to buy, want to buy, need to forget, need to remember, need to pack, people I need to talk to. I make it sound very OCD, but it’s not that bad, and I’m working on learning to turn it off. So yes, In the almost-two hours that I’ve been up, I’ve been thinking of things I need to do.. hanging over me like threatening clouds.

Every once in a while, I have a day like this, and it feels that I just need to get through it. Shake it out.

//end rant