Restlessness

When I was a younger, I used to wake up at 6AM every day. Regardless of the number of hours I slept, the days of the week, or the weather, the clock would hit 6, and I woke from sleep, eyes wide open, middle-eastern sun in my face, skin rested. I was ready for the world to start again. I was done waiting for it. I was restless.

This restlessness is still in me.  I still wake up early. I don’t understand nor am I capable of sleeping 12 hours a night. To me, it is a waste of time, the world is here for your taking, the day is yours to sieze. Why one earth would you waste it dead in your bed?

This used to be translated into things I wanted to do and achieve: once the goal was in sight, I was determined to get it. Recently, though, this restlessness and passion for achievement have been replaced with complacency. Every attempt to do well at school (which is then automatically correlated to how well I will do in life, and that is such a ridiculous notion!), has been shot down. They tell you that you’re not good enough, that your attempts are worthless, that hard work doesn’t matter: you’ll always be average or below average. And with that constant feedback, I have lost interest, passion has been replaced with the will to escape this system. Restlessness has been replaced with complacency.

So now I must ask myself: how do I get this restlessness and passion back? How do I keep my motivation going? I want them back. I want them to push me to do better.

No more surrendering with hands up in the air. That’s not me.

Let’s get things done.

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Aside

2.18.13

I wish that finding out or deciding on your life goals was as easy as taking a random quiz online. With a few clicks, and suffering though a few annoying ads for products and services I don’t need, I would find what I am supposed to do with my life: my calling. But no, life has to be difficult, and this is shit that we gotta figure out by ourselves.

For years, I was consumed with the idea of being a doctor. I knew that is what I want to do. Yes, a part of me wanted and still wants that, but I am uncertain if I can even pick that path now. Is it not too late? Will my atrocious grades be overlooked? Am I ready for more education? I don’t know.

I’ve come to dislike school to such great extent that I don’t see how I could possibly tolerate more of it in copious amounts. I am also scared of going into something that I am not 100% certain I would love doing. I don’t want to spend time and money on something that will yield me nothing and will only result and pain, exhaustion, self-hatred, and regret.

So they say you should do what you love. Well, I love fashion, and cloths, and eating, and cooking, and baking, and traveling. But can you make a career out of these things? I don’t think so. I am at a loss, a roadblock. And it’s hard to see how to overcome it.

Do I jump over it?

Go around it?

Dig a tunnel with a spoon under it?

I need some direction.

//endrant.